Be Prepared
by SandStonesSilk
Summary: The Lion King from Scar's point of view...be prepared for all the sarcasm you can handle. With footnotes!
1. Chapter 1

The sun rose above the horizon, spreading a blanket of light across the expansive African Savannah. A gentle breeze made wisps of cloud drift across the sky while the rays of light gave them an ethereal glow. All was still but a single bird making its way across the horizon before settling on the smooth stone surface of Priderock.

It sat on the structure's very peak, allowing itself a panoramic view of the barren landscape. The silence of dawn was broken by a shrill cry, shortly followed by the beating of wings. The bird took off, hovering back the way it had come, leaving behind nothing more than a single feather from its ruddy plumage.

As if cradling a child, the plume steadily descended, until its rhythm was broken by a small reaching paw. A young cub swiped at the scarlet feather, hoping to catch it before it reached the ground. Before he could another cunning pounce a seemingly distant voice broke his concentration. His attention was drawn towards a slender lioness, leisurely basking under the sun's radiating warmth. Her voice was firm yet lighthearted as she called him for his morning bath.

"Oh mom, can't it wait?" he complained, but somehow knowing it would be to no avail.

"Now Simba, we go through this each and every morning," the lioness spoke, before gently plucked him off the ground by the scruff. He dangled precariously from Sarabi's jaws as she carried him off to where the other lionesses were lounging.

"Or have your complaints simply become a customary gesture?" Zazu remarked, a chatty little hornbill know to most as King Mufasa's right hand man.**1**

"The sooner you get over here, the sooner you can continue playing," she added, her tongue stroking Simba's golden fur as he twist and turned impatiently.

"Mom, I'm not 'playing', I'm training to be a – " his words were cut short by the sight of his father, the king himself striding proudly from the cave entrance at which he slumbered**2** . His gaze warm with adoration for his young son and loving mate, Sarabi.

"Hey dad! Are you gonna' teach me some more moves today?" Simba exclaimed, bouncing gleefully at his father's feet with a beseeching expression in his eyes.

"Alright son, but not for too long," Mufasa replied. "There are some matters I have to attend to."

"Ok dad," spoke Simba, slightly crestfallen that his pouncing lesson would have to be cut short.

"Come along then, let's head down to the water hole so we don't disturb any heavy sleepers," Mufasa told his son, who began a sprint ahead after hearing his father's words, not wanting to waste any more time with talking.

"Oh dad, Scar is always sleeping!" Simba hollered, forced to stop for a moment to let his father catch up.**3** Mufasa suddenly picked up his pace, racing ahead of Simba. He knew his eager cub would always be up for the challenge to try and outrun him.

I blinked open one eye, watching the two Neanderthals gracefully leap into the distance. Now that there was no one around to pester me**4** I rose to my feet and stretched my aching limbs after some well deserved rest. I then slothfully padded to one of Priderock's towering escarpments, absorbing myself in the view as a peaceful yawn escaped me. I let my long dark mane danced in morning breeze that filled my lungs with each and every breath.

"It looks like another marvelous day of fun and excitement," I thought to myself. "The sun is out, the birds are singing…the optimism is killing me."

"Scar!" Sarabi called my name, with a rather bitter expression on her face. But she still kept her elegant demeanor and her eyes shone with their usual alluring bliss.

"What can I do for you today?" I replied nonchalantly, yet giving her my full attention.

"I have been quiet about this for to long but I thought now would be a good time for us to have talk."

"Well then, do go on," I couldn't help but grin, maybe good things do happen to good people…and to sometimes-more often than not -good people.

"Scar, I'll be frank with you, and I'm sure you can take it. I speak on behalf of the pride when I say that you are positively the most useless of us all! You refuse to hunt for anyone but yourself, you always sleep in, ignoring any responsibilities assigned to you, and the list goes on and on! The least you could do is look after the cubs and attend the meetings, yet you can't be even be bothered to do that!"

"Touché," I sighed, I should have seen that speech coming. Not that any of it bothered me, I could hardly see any reason for attending meetings or looking after cubs. What point is there in listening to Mufasa state the obvious at his little gatherings and it wouldn't make any difference if one or two cubs got lost, fell off a cliff, ect. We learn from our mistakes, and if not then the world sill goes on!

"Does that mean you shall try to make yourself useful?" Sarabi demanded, interrupting my thoughts.

"Well, you see…I really—"

"Good, you can start by looking after Simba for me once he and Mufasa come back from the training session," she stated, not waiting for my reply before walking off, and taking her place next to Sarafina.

"Simba…me and Simba…I can barely contain my excitement."

**1** …stooge, crony, or nuisance. He held himself highly, quite odd for such a sorry creature with an even more pitiful a vocation. Then again, such an honor is the most he could hope to achieve.

**2** Yes, here comes the almighty king, all unworthy commoners bow before his greatness...and to think that could have been me. Now I'm second in line to a monkey.

**3** Let me correct that, I wasn't sleeping. I was contemplating about the paths of destiny that have been laid out for us, our place in the vast universe, the overrated "circle of life" theory my brother jabs down our throats. Or in other words, inaudibly complaining how unfair my life is while avoiding work…yes, thinking. The whole "going out with the hunting parties" ordeal just isn't working out. Well at least I'm honest…I mean you have to give me credit for that.

**4** Except for the lionesses who hardly ever approached me, obviously knowing I was way out of their league and their inferior intellect could hardly compare to that of a lion such as myself… oh shush, don't burst my happy bubble.


	2. Chapter 2

So you want know how the "babysitting" business went? Then here's a recap, the fur-ball annoys the life out of me, I hint at him to take a trip down to a certain graveyard**1 **where my _loyal, merciful, quick-witted _henchmen were supposed to give him his dues. Oh when does anything go according to plan? But I'm sure you already knew that, didn't you? Assuming you watched my movie…yes _my_ movie. It is called the "Lion King", and who was the king during the bulk of it? That's right, I'm glad you finally see things my way. I'm guessing like most humans you have a fairly short attention span**2**, so I'll get on with it. Prepare to be enlightened for you are about to hear the uncut, unbiased, "Lion King"…starting from where we left off. Yes, I did just sum that up for you, but I know how much we all love reruns:

"Hey Uncle Scar! Guess what!" Simba called gleefully.

"I despise guessing games**3**," I rolled my eyes in disdain.

"I'm going to be king of Pride Rock," he announced, revealing the staggeringly shocking truth that one could not have possibly foreseen on their own.

"Oh goody," I remarked in a trademark show of sarcasm.

"My dad just showed me the whole kingdom," Simba went on, looking out over the edge of the rock**4**with unmistakable greed in his eyes. "And I'm going to rule it all!" he chuckled. I just know he's going to be a little angle when he grows up! No less than the image of charity and giving!

"Yes. Well... forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back you know – are you getting sick of this? I'm getting sick of this. You want to hear the stuff they don't show you in Disney movies, eh? You want the answers to those though questions that keep you up at night…like say…who on earth are Kovu's parents, and why did I choose him to be my successor? Where was Zira and the "outlanders" when our buddy Simba threw me off a cliff and left me to be torn apart by hyenas? And aren't I supposed to be dead? Well once you figure it out let me know, _you being so clever and all_. You really want to know? Alright, alright, listen up then.

Wait, before we start I'd just like to say I'm not here to beg for pity, there are already plenty of "poor neglected little Taka" fan fictions. And I'm not telling you that I'm really all nice and innocent. If I could go back and change things, Mufasa would still be lying at the bottom of that cliff. I know you were thinking it, don't deny it because honestly, once I so much as impulsively hint at it, I just go on and on **5.** But no, I'm here to tell you Mavu's story, the girl nobody's talking about, because that's one story you haven't heard. Who is Mavu you ask? Well the good people at Disney renamed the poor creature _hate_, but that sounds a little harsh at best, eh? But I bet you think the name suits her perfectly, and I don't blame you. She certainly didn't make the best of first impressions. And that's the problem with first impressions; you only get to make one. Call me a hopeless romantic because I think the least I owe her is this, to show a couple Lion King crazed people another side of "Zira".

I knew it was going to happen, and knowing Mufasa I was rather surprised that it didn't happen sooner. That's right, Sarabi was pregnant and I could do nothing more than eagerly await my new nephew, or so they thought. Even cynics, pessimists, and naysayers have hopes and dreams. But lately, the guys upstairs weren't giving me a break. I always had rather high hopes for myself, too bad no one else did. My whole life I felt like the fifth wheel, whether I made it so or just went with it, I can't decide. The one thing I do know is that what's done is done and it's no use looking back or you'll soon forget to look ahead**.6** Too bad I looked ahead too far too soon and didn't work in the little things that could ruin a good plan for the future; furry annoying little things.

1** …In hopes that he'll become part of the scenery. Oh, it's not cruel and manipulative; it's just "the circle of life". Still not convinced? My reason and logic doesn't work for you?...Well then what do you want me to do about it?**

2**Don't worry, I can totally relate.**

3** Except Pictionary, everyone loves Pictionary...it's a well known fact.**

4**The chances of Simba falling off that rock pretty slim…but one could only hope.**

5** What can I say, old habits die hard.**

6** That's right, always watch where your going or you'll hit a post! Sorry if my sappiness doesn't work for you. So now I just took the liberty of breaking the drama scene, that and I just had to say something or you might have thought I got replaced with a "Mary sue" look-alike.**

* * *

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I really appreciate it. And sorry for the short chapter, I'll have plenty more soon!_


	3. Chapter 3

A couple days have passed since the little monster was been born, and since my incompetent cronies came back with news of failure. Luckily the brat kept his mouth shut. If Mufasa found out that I was involved it would no doubt be the end of me. Maybe if I didn't show my loathing so blatantly he wouldn't be as quick to come to the correct conclusions**1.** But pretending to 'respect' Mufasa would be an act too hard to maintain for long, an intonation of sarcasm would surely give me away.

So now I stood pondering about where my place was in all the commotion. And it so happened that my place was among a throng of hyenas. Now you must be wondering what someone like myself would be doing with filthy scavengers**2**. Well actually, I have known Shenzi and her dynamic duo for just about as long as I can remember. Although hyenas aren't exactly the brightest of animals we somehow got along**3**. And being surrounded by idiots does wonders for one's self esteem!

Time went on and before long we were rather well acquainted**4**. Each of us had something to gain, I brought them fresh kill and they did as they were told…or _tried_ to do as they were told. Unfortunately, I was beginning to feel that they were getting more out of this "friendship" than I was. So after much thought I worked them into the coop of the century! The murkiest scam! And most importantly, my rise to power. Of course, I made sure that my plot's execution required as little brain power on their part as possible; just strength in numbers and daring attack on Pride-rock. If that didn't work out then I always have a back-up plan**5**. It mainly involved scaring a couple wildebeest to stamped over my favorite nephew who I oh so very much adore.

I stood at the edge of the escarpment looking over inhabitants of the elephant graveyard. Most of the hyenas were huddled together for the night in peaceful slumber, with the exception of a certain trio who, as always, awaited my arrival.

"So Scar, what did you bring us this time? No wait, let me guess! Is it a…a…zebra?" Banzi addressed me in his usual eager manner, yet I couldn't hide my discontent for the little respect they all had for me**6**. Then again, what could I expect from a scavenger, giddy with excitement for a piece of meat.

"Oh you think I brought you something to eat eh?"

Ed bobbed his head in reply, his face bearing the most unreadable of expressions,**7** while his tongue lolled from his mouth.

"Then I'm afraid we have both been disappointed. You see, I'm tired of giving away freebies while you cannot even carryout the simplest of tasks," I explained. "Now is the time for you to settle your debt."

"Huh? Can we have some meat or what?"

"What if you do me a little favor first and then maybe I'll consider it. How does that sound?"

"Nah, I think I'll just have the meat," remarked Banzi.

"Well I don't pay you to think do I?" I said calmly.

"Don't worry, it's no extra charge," I turned to see Shenzi stepping towards me. I assumed that she scampered up the high ridge while I was distracted with the other fool.

"Oh c'mon guys, stop kidding around, I'm getting hungry! And why do you want to get rid of this Simba so bad, huh Scar? Can't you just be king next time or something?" Banzi hollered from below.

"Next time? You idiot! Once he takes the throne his children would follow, and then his children's children, and so would be the start of an era of hopeless undeserving rulers! While I will simply be "uncle Scar" to little gremlins for eternity! I deserve to be king! If Mufasa was – "

"Yeah, yeah. So what's the big idea this time?

"I won't waste my breath now, my latest scheme shall be heard by the entire pack! Although I could get you three to run a few small errands, I would still need the others to secure my position once Mufasa is overthrown. If rumors and rebellions arise I will need –"

"A retinue to watch your back, eh? So what are you gonna' do to keep us interested, bring in meat for each and every one of us? I'll tell you now, you'll be out from dawn to dusk."

"Well of course not, hunting will be the lionesses' job."

"Ooh, I like that, I'm sure everyone will be thrilled! So what's the plan, I'm all ears."

"Now, now Shenzi, you wouldn't want me to spoil the surprise?" I grinned, my sapphire eyes flickering.

"You're right Ed, I guess it is getting late and boy am I tired," spoke Shenzi as she took notice of Ed's gapping yawn. "Hey Scar, are you staying here for the night or what?"

The place was more than a tad eerie, with decaying elephant bones and luminous gasses fuming from the earth; yet somehow I felt more at home than at Pride-rock in the presence of my own kin. And with the fatigue coming over me, I doubted that it would be wise to leave at such a late hour.

"No, I'm going to blunder through the night until I sink down a ditch."

"Well you're welcome to stay, we're pals eh?"

"…Sure," I replied wearily.

I soon made myself comfortable on the cold stone ledge and thought of nothing but the caves soothing warmth. Rain could be heard outside, bring with it memories of the waterfalls far beyond Pride-rock. It had been years since I had gone there, when Mufasa and I were still young cubs. I wondered what it would be like now, if it had changed as much as I had.

* * *

**1** Who would suspect a loving uncle of any wrong doing? Who just happened to have missed the presentation ceremony. It wasn't really because of spite; I just couldn't see myself in the "circle of life" chorus line…even if I do have a lovely singing voice. 

**2** It could have been worse, what if I was King of the stinkbugs? Or Lord of the farting warthogs and hula dancing merkeets?

**3** Me being a born leader, and they…well they're so obedient it would be a waste not to make myself an little army.

**4** Except for Ed, god only knows what goes on in that little head of his.

**5**You know my motto, be prepared! As if anything ever got done with hakuna-matata. Only idiots have no worries, they are too ignorant to acknowledge the pot-holes in their life and how much more they could achieve. They are just happy looking for bugs under -- yeah…they're just _happy_. No, I have not come to a sad realization that ignorant people are better off than the rest of us if the meaning of life is to– oh now I sound like my brother.

**6**They actually saw me as an equal; the mere thought is too appalling to even consider! I suppose it is good that I managed to gain their trust, but I hope I never see the day when I stoop to their level of incompetence. And distrust on both sides balances things out.

**7** Now there's a poker face.


	4. Chapter 4

I was awakened in the middle of the night by a rather…_unusual_ dream involving Nala and Ed**1**. As much as I tried, I could not calm myself to sleep so I decided to step outside for some fresh air. I watchfully descended from the escarpment, snaking around the herd of sleeping hyenas until the exit was in view. The sky had faded into a dark shade of blue and the moon could still be seen above the horizon. It was light enough to start my journey back to Pride-rock. Although I was unlikely missed, I didn't want to take any chances or rouse anyone's curiosity. **2**

The trek started out as a peaceful late night stroll, yet half way from the elephant graveyard I was drenched from head to tail. Cursing the ever-changing weather, I chose to make a little detour to the Waterfalls in hope of finding some shelter. No, I wasn't going to take shelter form the rain under a waterfall. While there are magnificent waterfalls there, the location also has a thriving canopy of trees**.3**.

I made it there in record time, with encouragement form buffeting winds and mudslides that I by all means hoped to avoid. Of course its common sense to stay as far away from tall objects as possible (i.e. trees) if thunder turned to lightning, but I had my hopes set on finding a cave or ridge of some sort. And if it came down to it, being electrocuted is a much faster and less agonizing way to go than freezing to death. Wouldn't you agree? I know, I know, the best choice would be to just go back to the elephant graveyard but it was already a fair distance away. And even if it wasn't, it would still be much too degrading to let the hyenas see me in such a state, I would never live it down.

In such situations pride could be quite a downfall, I'm sure Uncle Monty learned that by now. Who's uncle Monty you ask? Other than being my (now dead) uncle, he was also the subject of a moral story all mothers told their young cubs, yes…the ones where you're supposed to learn a valuable life lesson that never really helps you all that much**4.** I never paid attention to those and I turned out just fine! **5**Now where were we? Oh yes, once upon a time a terrible famine struck the pride and Uncle Monty was sent on a task to bring back food. So he set off on his little journey and wandered for many days until he pretty much lost all hope. But on his way back he met an all-knowing monkey that was known across the Savannah for giving rather helpful advice. Only he wasn't much help to Monty since he was too proud to ask for some.**6** Now that's enough about Monty, lets get on with the telling of my insightful life experiences.

So there I was, at the waterfall, admiring the rushing water and flourishing landscape, even the rampant storm and murky sky could not spoil such grandeur. Only a belching warthog could do that, and it looked as if I would have the pleasure of meeting one, for breakfast that is. I had worked up quite an appetite so I could hardly believe my luck. But what I found to be even more of a surprise was that the plump creature was accompanied by a tiny red haired meerkat! I couldn't help but grin; it was a scrumptious breakfast that even came with an appetizer.

And better yet, the two were preoccupied hunting for insects to take any notice of me. It was almost too easy! I was no longer bothered by the dreadful weather; I concentrated on nothing but my unsuspecting prey. Stealthily moving closer, I prepared to make my pounce and in one swift movement I leaped forward. The tusked creature was pinning under my well sharpened claws, squirming pitifully in an ill attempt to free itself.

"No…no please oh please let me go!" the pig cried in terror. "I...I'm too young to die!"

"Now why would I do something like that?" a malevolent leered crossed my face. I was about to take the first bite when I felt something land on top of me. I tried to shake it off but it clung to my mane and–

"This is for you Pumba, ol' buddy!" said a tiny voice, before I was suddenly struck in the eye. The searing pain caused me to momentarily loosen my grip, giving this 'Pumba' just enough time to make his escape.

"Ha! That's what you get for messing with us!" the meerkat called, taking his place on the warthogs head and speeding through the some brambles.

I could not let my meal get away because of a meddling appetizer! Forcing myself up I hastened after them, hoping I could still outrun them before they found somewhere to hide. I pushed through the undergrowth, making sure the hog's scarlet pelt never left my sight. I picked up my pace, seeing that the Pumba was merely meters away from being breakfast, until I was close enough to get a hold of him. Fueled by fear he also increased his speed, but he was too late to save himself. I was quick enough to catch him by the tail, causing him to stumble onto his side.

This time I made sure there would be no more surprises, pinning the meerkat with one paw and the hog with the other. I paused to catch my breath, still shamed that such easy prey had given me quite a chase.

"Oh c'mon, can't we talk this out?" the meerkat stammered nervously.

"What is there to talk about?" I replied.

"Well…what if we show you a place to stay? Somewhere nice and cozy, away from this awful storm, you wouldn't want to get a cold would you, or get pneumonia, or even freeze to death!"

"Aww, thanks for caring, but what if you show me that place and _then_ I eat you? "

"Great idea, definitely win-win for both of us!"

"I'm glad we could come to an agreement," I smirked wickedly.

"The only problem is this place is _really _far away, what if you get lost on your way back, we wouldn't want that to happen would we? But with our help you'll find the best short-cut out of here in no time! Doesn't that sound a lot better than just eating us; you'll get your very own tour guides!"

"Oh goody," I rolled my eyes.

"So…you're not gonna' eat us…right?"

"We'll see, but don't get your hopes up."

"Aren't you a funny one," he chuckled nervously.

"And aren't you an interesting couple, you absolutely must tell me, how ever did you meet?"

**1** I can't tell you any more than that because I highly doubt it'll fit into the PG rating, but it's ok to be highly disturbed. Don't worry, I'm kidding. Isn't it so much fun to mess with people's thoughts? Now be ashamed, be very ashamed for having those thoughts go through your head. No, you can't pin this one on me, the imagery was all yours! Sorry, I get a little freaky if I don't get my beauty sleep.

**2** For some reason everyone suspects me of caper no matter what I do, why is that?...Oh right, now I remember. Well I didn't do anything_ then_ did I? I think I've made my point.

**3** That probably seemed quite redundant, but I was just clearing things up for the "special" people among us. It's something I have grown used to doing, considering the IQ of most of my acquaintances.

**4** Unless you're some goody-goody that needs to have a clear conscience and believes in helping others, not lying, sharing your hard earned fortune…blah, blah, blah. But we all know what happens to people like that. They have no hope of finding high-paying jobs in sales, law, or government!

**5** Save your breath and don't comment on that. You can't argue with facts or with people who have big egos that can't admit their mistakes. I don't have a big ego, that's a fact.

**6** Pretty stupid eh? Why couldn't he have just eaten the monkey! Probably because it wouldn't make a very good moral, but at least it would rhyme: "When in doubt, pig out!" So what if that encourages obesity.


	5. Chapter 5

"Me and Pumba? Well…pretty much the same way we did," the meerkat replied. He seemed slightly less tense now that he was somewhat assured that he wouldn't be eaten. " There was definitely a lot of screaming, but once I got to know him he turned out to be quite a gentle giant."

"Really? And are there other warthogs here?" I asked, already giddy at the possibility.

"Oh geeze! Is food all you think about? And here I thought lions had more in their heads than just survival instincts. Then again, you do look a tad too skinny…skinny, did I say skinny? I meant lean and slim, definitely a good look for you! And you just have to tell me, who does your hair? So lustrous and shiny, plus no split ends!"

"I'm flattered," I sighed, this was going to be a _very_ long walk.

"And you have such dazzling eyes that sparkle like stars in the midnight sky or like – "

"Are you sucking-up or hitting on me? Because if it's the latter then I'm disturbed…"

"What! No, no way, absolutely not! Now that's revolting, how could you get such an absurd notion, it's positively sickening! I think I'm gonna' lose my lunch!...Although you do have pretty eyes, eh?" he winked.

"….uh," I couldn't imagine how I could possibly reply to that, maybe it would be best if I just ate him. It would definitely be the fastest way to handle the situation. The storm would no doubt have passed by the time we got to where-ever he was taking me. A rather amusing thought crossed my mind: I was all alone, following some creep through a forest at night without a second thought. 1

"Hey, we never really had a proper introduction," he went on. "My name's Timone and here's my buddy Pumba. Oh and just to warn you, Pumba has a little bit of a gas problem, wait till' you see him in action!"

"The suspense is killing me."

"So, weren't you gonna' tell us a little about yourself?"

"Hm, let me think…no," now I was truly sick to my stomach, there was no doubt I wandered into the 'wrong' part of the Savannah; home to the most questionable of creatures and misfits2.

"Oh, c'mon!"

"Well if you're so eager to know, _I_ shall be your future king."

"Ok…your majesty. One question, isn't that Kapasa guy king, what ever happened to him?"

"Let's just say I have a little surprise in store for him."

"Is it a nice surprise?" asked Pumba.

"Well, it'll make a day to remember; fondly or not," I grinned.

"Yeah, I guessed that much. So how are you planning to pull of a stunt like that all on your own, or do you have tons of lioness chicks rooting for you?"

"Hyenas actually."

"Clever little things aren't they? Hey look we're here!" up ahead a cave could be seen, lichen hanging over the entrance and moss lining its outside walls. As for what laid inside, my guess is as good as yours.

"So are you coming or what?" the little creature beckoned, yet a gut feeling held me back…but I went anyways3.

"Not what you expected? Well cheer up, I'll let you have my nest," he pointed at the larger of the two piles of dry foliage. "I lost a lot of weight over the summer, eh?

So there I was, inside a cozy little cave, as promised. A tad too cozy actually, the warthogs behind took up most of the legroom and breathable air. And to make things worst, I found that the meerkat wasn't kidding about the gas problems. But hey, I must have made a world record for holding my breath.

"Sorry 'bout that, can't say we didn't warn you though," the warthog put in, shuffling in the tiny nest beside me after a disturbingly loud– you get the picture. At first I only hoped that I would be able to suffer through the cruel and unusual torture until morning. But luckily, a far more favorable thought came to mind.

"This is just unbearable, if only we could make it a little more roomy, eh?" I remarked, wondering if they would guess at what I was implying.

"This is as roomy as it's going to get," Timone replied.

"Oh I wouldn't say so," I smirked, standing from the makeshift nest and towering over the pig who finally caught on. He pressed himself to the wall, trying to lengthen the distance between us. Undoubtedly it wouldn't do him much good; he was only inches away from being devoured.

"Tim...Timone," he wailed nervously, jerking his head towards the meerkat in hopes that he would be of some aid. But before he could act I swiped the little creature by the tail and tethered it to a rock.

"Hey! What do you thing you're doing! You're in for it now! Wait 'till I get-" I took no notice of the empty threats he yelped while attempting to release his tail from the cumbersome stone.

"Aw, nowhere to run?" I said, contemptuously eyeing the warthog. Since I stood at the exit, the only place he would be going is to meet his maker.

"But we don't have a problem with that do we, I'm sure you were _dieing_ to stay for lunch," I went on, watching him brought back memories of our last encounter in such circumstances. I was about to pounce when I saw tears pour from his eyes as he started his snort-like weeping, and his gaze had lost the expression of fear. I stopped, more out of surprise than pity.

"Oh it's not fair! I couldn't help that I was born that way," he cried. "My whole life I have been rejected for it and now it's only fitting that it's the cause of my death."

"What are you talking about, my sobbing entrée?" I asked.

"My gas problem! That's why you want to eat me, so that I won't intoxicate—"

"Oh don't be so glum. I would have eaten you anyways. Think of it this way, once I eat you, you'll help stop global warming!"

"Because I'm a source of harmful greenhouse gases?"

"Exactly!"

"You think you can BS your way out of anything, don't ya?" the meerkat broke in.

"You say it like it's a bad thing," I replied. "Now where was I? Oh yes, I was going to eat the warthog!"

"Hey, now here's a thought: if you eat Pumba wouldn't you catch his um... 'problem'? It could be contagious!" Timone went on.

"I don't think it works that way."

"So you're going to risk it?"

"Well…I…surely it's not—"

"What if it is? You'll sure be popular with the ladies then, eh?" he snorted.

"Ugh, fine. I already lost my appetite. And it looks like the rain finally stopped, I suppose I should get going."

"Good idea. We sure had a great time, we'll miss ya' buddy! Oh and one thing before you go, do you mind getting his rock of my tail…if it's not too much to ask?"

"Right, but quid pro quo, I must ask you for a little favor too."

"Quid pro quo?"

"Latin for, a favor for a favor"

"Anything for you!"

"All I ask is that you don't divulge anything of our conversation regarding the death of the king. Unless of course you want me to pay you another visit."

"Consider it done your majesty."

"Farewell now, I wouldn't want to be late for my crowning ceremony," I grinned.

"That's right, absens haeres non erit, an absent person will not be an heir!"

"Indeed."

1 Of course he seems tiny and harmless but what if he is part of some mafia that lures – ok, it sounds ridiculous now but wait until I wake up with one kidney…or worse! One can never be too sure with deranged homosexual meerkats.

2 From Steve the cannibal parrot to Roy the myatiasutaramot, this place has it all! What's a myatiasutaramot you ask? I haven't got a clue. I myself never really believed any of it before; I thought it was just a rumor the monkeys were spreading around to get some good real-estate for cheap. And I thought Mufasa was a sucker for believing all of it, now a creepy little meerkat is going to make me eat my words. If I don't eat him first.

3 People do stupid things when they can't feel their toes, and it didn't look as if the storm was ever going to calm down.


	6. Chapter 6

"And where have _you_ been?" said a familiar voice behind me, I turned to face the annoying little hornbill who surely had his mind set on ratting me out.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to stick your nose in other people's business?" I replied.

"Are you insinuating that I have a big nose?" he stepped towards me, all puffed up in a fluffy ball of fury.

"No,_you_ are insinuating that you have a big nose," I leered.

"How dare you! I happen to be very self-conscious about my – wait a minute, I see! You're trying to distract me! You think you can just sneaking off at night without the king's permission, eh? Well think again! In fact, I was just on my way to see the king now, so be assured that your transgressions shall not go unpunished!"

"Transgressions? And since when do I need 'permission' to leave the Pride Rock, or am I some dreadful convict that must always be kept under close guard?"

"Don't play dumb with me, I know you're up to something! Nothing gets by Zazu!"

"Oh get a hobby," I rolled my eyes.

"Just you wait! I'll make sure you-" I knocked the bird down with a swing of a paw. I hate to resort to violence1 but some people just can't take a hint.

Although the blinding sun was up in the sky I still thought it would be best to try to get some sleep. After all, I didn't get a wink all night. Unfortunately some pesky little buggers simply insisted on gnawing at my patience. The second Zazu regain consciences words began coming out of his mouth.

"You still haven't told me where you've been you treacherous scoundrel!" he shrieked.

"My, my, such accusations yet not a whisper of evidence," I grinned.

"Answer the question!"

"I was just out for a midnight stroll, getting some fresh air. Why, is that a crime?"

"I know you're lying!"

"How's that?" I asked.

"Your lips are moving!" he exclaimed.

"Aw, Zazu, you hurt my feelings," I laughed. The bird had a sense of humor…but I still couldn't resist the urge to whack him.

"You don't have feelings you demon! Now don't even think of knocking me down again, Mufasa will-"

"Anything worth doing is worth doing twice, especially if it's this fun," I smiled in satisfaction as the bird tumbled to the ground.

I looked up at the starry sky; I had been so busy that I barely had time to enjoy it. But after devising such a flawless plot I would soon have much more to enjoy, like the status and glory of being king. Well almost flawless plot…I still had a gut feeling that scheming with hyenas would be my downfall. But I wasn't too concerned; the scavengers would watch my back in a worst-case scenario where the lionesses discover that I rid them of their beloved Muffy. And if the almighty king doesn't get run over by the stampede a savage pack of hyenas should do the trick. So rest assured that everyone will be given their dues. I will get the throne, my cronies will get their pound meat, and Mufasa…well it just so happens that his life on easy street has and unexpected dead end.2

After a lengthy nap I spent the afternoon daydreaming of my coronation. I knew it wouldn't be a celebrated event and I wasn't expecting much cheering or applause on the lionesses' part but I was still looking forward to it…for my entire life actually. Ok, I'm finished ranting, sulking and moping now. On the bright side, I'll be the first king who didn't get held over a cliff by an insane monkey at birth or had fruit mush smeared over his forehead. Wait, that's breaking tradition, surely it can't be a good thing. Oh whatever, this whole optimism thing is a new concept to me so I bet I get credit for trying right?

"Scar!" I heard Mufasa's rumbling voice behind me.

"What can I do for you, oh great and powerful king?"

"Enough! And I don't want any of your sarcasm or puns either, I'm here to have a talk with you," he towered over me with his big poofy head.

"Talk away your highness, I'm listening."

"Can't we ever have a serious conversation? You've changed brother. I feel as if you are no longer there for me. Whatever your reasons are, I just want you to know that you will always be a part of this family. Don't you remember how close we were as cubs3?"

"Touching, truly touching," I smirked. Muffy is known across the Savannah for his sappy well-rehearsed speeches.

"Is there anything I could do to bring things back to how they used to be, to how they _should _be, brother?"4

"Oh no, I think it's just too late for that," if he was for real then that should give him at least a pang of guilt.

"Tell me then, what have I done to lose your trust," he asked solemnly.

"If you can't figure it out then there's no point in telling you," I turned my back to him.

"Scar, I can see from the smirk you're trying to hide that you don't care about the problem we seem to be having."

"Problem? What problem? I don't see any problem, it's all just rainbows and butterflies!"

"Fine, if you're not willing to talk then I'm not going to waste my time!" and so Mufasa left in a huff.

1 Ok…maybe I do. It's a great simple solution to all of life's problems!

2 Now at least _some_ of you must be thinking: "Scar you #!$, how could you kill your own brother! I hate you! Die you evil murderer! Burn! Burn! Burn!"… Let me console you then, he gets to be god after he dies, in case you haven't noticed, and if it wasn't for me he would just be an average Joe with a bit more power than the rest of us. Happy now? Good for you! And by the way, when Simba throws _me_ off a cliff it was considered a 'happy ending'- wait a minute, did I say this already? Oh well, it's important enough to be mentioned twice so you remember. How am I supposed to manipulate- I mean "educate"- you if you keep forgetting everything, eh?

3 Yes, Muffy and I have plenty of fond childhood memories. I remember when he pinned my tail under a rock while I was sleeping. Too bad that I don't do 'forgive and forget' eh?

4 Aw, now that almost makes me feel sorry for wanting to him…almost.


	7. Chapter 7

You all know what happened next; that's right, the part where Simba gets his 'marvelous surprise'. I don't want to _leave you hanging_ so I'll skip straight to the scenes you didn't get to see. Here's what that takes place after my tragic little speech:

"It's madness allowing hyenas in the pride lands!" spoke one of the lionesses who, in her shock, forgot to keep her voice down.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, I hoped you would be more open to a little change. I understand that it may take some time to adjust to our new neighbors but I'm sure we can all learn to get along," I tried to console them.

"You're insane!" said the same lioness, with new confidence she made herself heard to everyone at the gathering.

"If this is what you choose to bring upon us then together we shall stand against you and fight for our home!" Sarabi announced, encouraged by the cries of the other lionesses whose grief for their deceased king now turned to defiance.

"Take into account that you are by far outnumbered, making this a battle not likely won" I responded, maintaining my composure. "It would be in your best interests to not step out of line."

"We shall not take orders form the likes of you! If death is the consequence then so be it!" the queen declared, sorrow hatred burning in her eyes.

"You are quite brave, brave but foolish. May I remind you that you still have the option to reconsider your wager of war; I suggest you take that option while it is still available," I spoke, my voice cold and piercing.

"No!" a weak and whimpering cry broke through the gravely silence.

"Nala?" Sarafina addressed her quivering daughter.

"P-please… I don't want to see anyone else die! We have enough lives to mourn!" the cub wailed.

"Indeed we do," Sarabi uttered a heavy sigh while despairing murmurs were exchanged through the crowd.

"But how can we just stand by and do nothing while these filthy creatures take over the pride lands," Sarafina protested.

"Hey! Who you callin' filthy?" Shenzi was the first of the hyenas to speak.

"Can't you guess?" replied the lioness.

"How about you keep your mouth shut before we shut you up for good," the female hyena retorted.

"Let's see you try!" she snarled.

"Silence! No more blood shall be spilled tonight," spoke Sarabi, her voice still bearing its proud commanding tone.

"Good, I'm glad that you have finally been brought to your senses," I spoke. It looked as if Sarabi was about to say something in reply but she managed to restrain herself. The other lionesses herded the queen to her dean, affectionately nuzzling her in hopes of easing her pain. Yet she could not look into their eyes.

"Tyrant," Sarafina mumbled under her breath, looking back and seeing the savage bloodthirsty faces of the hyenas crowding on the ledge above her. Her face contorted in disgust, possibly at the symbolism of it.

"Did you hear what she said Scar? We'll be happy to tear her limb form limb for you; she's really asking for it," said Shenzi.

"Yeah, c'mon Scar! We're getting hungry," Banzi complained. "Some lioness meat would sure be a treat!" Shenzi and Ed laughed in agreement. I could not bear to look at the foul creatures, I shared in the lionesses' discontent but sacrifices had to be made to ensure my rise to power. I have no regrets.

Yet secretly I hoped that the lionesses would somehow kill off the hyenas; that would be ideal. But unfortunately Sarabi and her entourage would make sure that I don't overstay my welcome without the presence of my 'supporters'. And half hearted apologies would unlikely be enough to lessen the loathing she had for me, yet maybe I could at least-

"Hey are you ignoring us or what?" said Banzi in petty annoyance.

"If only I could," I sighed.

"Didn't you hear? We're hungry!" he repeated.

"I fear there isn't enough meet in the Savannah to fully satisfy your appetites. After all, one hyena can eat about 32 pounds of food at one time," spoke a lioness, stepping out of the shadows.

"Really? How is it that you know so much about hyenas, eh?" asked Shenzi.

"I'm full of useless facts," she replied, sitting beside me with a sycophant smile. "Now would you mind if Scar and I had a little alone time?"

"You didn't tell us you had a _girlfriend_ Scar," Banzi chuckled.

"I don't, now leave."

"C'mon guys, we'll get some grub and let em' have their _alone_ _time_," Shenzi teased, making her way down the cliff with her hyena companions following behind her.

"What is it Mavu?" I asked. "I thought you would to with the other lionesses mourning your beloved king."1

"Mufasa, oh he was never the leader I know you will be," she leaned closer.

"What do you want2?" I looked away yet she walked over to meet my gaze.

"Oh nothing, I just thought you might like some company," she pressed herself against me.

"Hm…I wonder why you suddenly became so interested in me," I pretended to think. "Oh could it be because I'm the king now and you're a conniving deceitful lioness who is looking for some personal gain like say…power? I have a special word for lionesses like you, but I'll save that for later."

"Takes one to know one," her face turned to an irritated scowl.

"Well I admit, we do have common interests."

"Indeed, I think we have a lot in common," she agreed.

"I don't know if that's a good thing, how could I sleep at night knowing there is someone like me out there?" I smirked.

"Yes, very funny. But I seriously think we could make this relationship work."

"Relationship?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Oh Scar, won't you take me as your loving queen?"

"Sorry but when I have a mate I want her to be affectionate and trustworthy, not a gold-digging bimbo as likeable as Zazu."

"Aw, you're just too cute you hopeless romantic" she giggled. "So is that to say that you're not interested?"

"Oh was I not clear? Do you want me to rephrase that?"

"Hey, it was worth a try, but if you did reject me I thought you'll be more suave about it."

"Well then sorry to disappoint."

"I didn't want it to come to this but I guess I have to use blackmail," she sighed.

"What?"

"I know your little secret! And I'm going to tell," a wicked smile returned to her face.

"And which secret would that be?"

"How about the one where you plotted with hyenas, killed your own brother, and banished his son."

"Yes, go ahead and state the obvious," I rolled my eyes. "As if the lionesses don't already suspect most of that."

"Not the part about Simba, once I tell them they would surely go looking!"3

"Oh did I forget to tell you, the hyenas reported him dead," I regretted those words as soon as they came out of my mouth, what if it was all just a trick and I was the idiot that fell for it. All those accusations might have been just suspicions, but now I confirmed them! Oh well, nobody listens to Mavu after her last little white lie4.

"That's not what I saw. The little nuisance was scampering to safety through a crop of spiked brambles while your dimwitted accomplices stood there admiring the scenery."

"Tell me then, how are you so well informed?"

"I stalk you…sometimes…a bit. Now may I remind you that you still have the option of marrying me; I suggest you take that option while it is still available," she smirked.

"Just don't quote me."

"Consider it done, your highness. So what shall we do now that we're engaged?" she smirked.

"Engaged?"

1 You probably forgot that this story was supposed to be about Mavu, eh? Don't worry, so did I. Or you can say that I was creating suspense or something, whatever works for you.

2 I knew exactly what she wanted but I was curious to hear what false-hearted reply she thought up for me. Mavu once had her hopes set on being queen, did plenty of sucking up to Mufasa, but unfortunately for her Sarabi got the lead role and I'm guessing she's now up for a second try.

3 Monkeys always look, apes always tell.

4 Sorry to get your hopes up but I can't tell you about this one. Mufasa made it law that it should never be spoken of in the pridelands, and with good reason. Usually I wouldn't think twice about breaking Muffy's laws but I assure you that this one is with no doubt well worth keeping.


	8. Chapter 8

"Yes, we're engaged," Mavu repeated, sending a chill down my spine. "We both did agree to it, unless you want to get married right now. I don't mind the rush!"

"It seems like we have a slight misunderstanding," I grimaced. "You see, I did not agree to an 'engagement' of any sort…unless of course there's a restraining order of at least a couple kilometers. If so, then 'till death do us part."

"I'm insulted; you speak as if I'm the most revolting lioness in the Savannah!"

"I'm sure your not the most revolting…just in the top ten" as soon as I finished that sentence Mavu swung her paw for a nasty slap in the face. Thankfully I ducked just in time to dodge the blow.

"I saw it coming," I grinned.

"You better have!" she scowled.

"It looks like someone has been skipping their anger management courses."

"Enough of this," Mavu sighed. "Either I'm queen or you're a tacky throw rug."

"Tacky?" I frowned.

"You heard me," she smirked.

"Alright, I now declare you queen of the mangy dimwits."

"That's it? What about a ceremony? I can't be a queen without an official ceremony!" she protested.

"Fine, I _officially_ declare queen of the mangy dimwits. Now you may assume your _official_ queeny duties as the _official_ pain in the-"

"Queeny is not a word."

"Your ignorance is astounding! Everything from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope know queeny is a word in our prestigious language."

"What have you been smoking?"

"It's a word, end of discussion."

"It is not!" she spat. "I will argue this all day if-"

"Fail."

"What"

"You failed the test," I told her.

"Test?" What test?" she looked at me in utter confusion- as planned.

"Every lioness must pass a test before she can become queen, but of course you wouldn't know that."

"Rubbish!"

"It's not my fault you weren't prepared."

"Prepared for what? And how did I 'fail'?"

"The first rule to being queen is that you should never ever question the king's judgment."

"Even if he's a moron?"

"_Especially_ if he's a moron."

"Why's that?" she asked.

"Do I have to explain everything to you?" I sighed. "What kind of queen will you be if you don't know something so positively obvious? Maybe you aren't ready for a position of power."

"Your seemingly believable nonsense won't work on me Scar!"

"It won't? Oh if only you told me earlier!" I grinned. "You are just too clever for me."

"What kind of twisted manipulative trick are you plotting you snake!"

"I'll never tell," I winked.

"Then I'll used my 'magical rock of persuasion'," she wrapped her tail around a nearby rock the size of a grapefruit.

"Still not persuaded."

"How about now?" she flung the rock at me with her paw before I had a chance to duck. I winced in pain as it struck me in the eye.

"Don't make me use the 'boulder of stubborn fools.'"

"Alright, alright…" I groaned. "If you must know my plan is the 'no plan' plan."

"Hm," she pondered. "It is very effected, I didn't suspect a thing. Tell me now, what is the goal of this 'no plan' plan."

"It's quite simple really, to mess with people who are easily confused!"


	9. Chapter 9

Hello there my stalker friends, I come with yet another update on life in the Savannah. First off, all hail the queen of the mangy dimwits! So what if it isn't a grand title? Certain people just have to learn to take what they can get. After all, the key to happiness is lowered expectations.1 Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against morons…as long as they remember that youtube is their calling2. Oh I almost forgot to tell you something really important…something so important it will change your life…it definitely will …no doubt about it…that's right….wait for it…wait for it …keep waiting.

_Hey! What's this? Stalkers waiting for Scar eh? I don't know how long you've been out here but he's out for lunch. Yes, this is Mavu…what secret? You can't prove anything, oh once Scar comes back he's in for a pounding! While we wait I'll get the 'moldy pineapple of backstabbing wannabes' ready. So… is this some kind of fan club or what? Well if you had any sense at all you would join my fan club! There's plenty of spaces available…hey look finally here!_

Sorry about that, I assure you it's the last time I trick my lovely horde of adoring fans…take no notice of the evil grin. Oh and just in case you where wondering, I had a rather eventful lunch today. You wouldn't believe it, there was a- wait, how about I start at the very beginning:

I was enjoying a pleasant sunset, not taking my schizophrenia pills, when I decided it was time to have a chat with my oddly deformed acquaintances. Unfortunately they were as talkative as usual and sound of my own voice was getting tiring. Just then I was reminded by a rumbling in my belly that I might as well get a bite to eat. So I left my two legged buddies and took a leisurely stroll through the fields, keeping an eye open for anything unlucky enough to cross my path. I wandered for what seemed like hours until I thought that it was time to call it a day. I about to head back, cursing at my rotten luck, when a blur of orange bolted through the tall lawn before me like a glimmer of hope. New strength coursed through my limbs as I prepared for a stealthy pounce. I waited eagerly, my sapphire eyes concentrating on the swaying grass less than a meter away. Suddenly all was quiet and still, I seized my chance to leap for my unsuspecting prey.

"You!"

"What? Miss me?" the diminutive meerkat crossed his lanky arms as a smug grin crossed his face.

"Why have you returned?" I spat, pinning his tail to the ground as I had done the last time we met.

"Back off buddy, from what I heard everyone's invited," he replied, straining to lift my paw and free himself.

"Invited to what?" I narrowed my eyes, assured that this was simply some pathetic trick the little nuisance devised to get into the Pridelands.

"Butt-head's coronation, duh!" the meerkat rolled his eyes.

"That was last week," I pointed out.

"Looks like the mailing service isn't what it used to be, eh? Oh well, now if you'll excuse me-"

"And where are you going in such a hurry, and without tubby too! How peculiar, " I smirked.

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Well I am a tad curious," I lifted the meerkat off the ground by the tail, watching in amusement as he helplessly flailed his arms. "But since you're not willing to talk-"

"Oh I'll talk alright, you piece of-" he made fists with his tiny hands that he waved about in a supposedly threatening manner.

"Such fowl language, maybe a stay in the 'shiny clear rock of no air' will do you some good," I told him.

"The what?" he looked up and finally stopped his fidgeting.

"You'll see soon enough," I held him over my mouth and at last I released his tail.

1 Here's some more advice: it's the ambitious morons that always get in the way. Just tell them the key to happiness and hopefully that will shorten your 'to throw off a cliff' list…a little.

2 Laughter is the best medicine and for once it's okay to go over the recommended dose.


End file.
